Helium

 My friend Willy seems  to think that someday they will quit letting us use helium for balloons. He thinks it has too many scientific uses and balloon peddlers are a triviality. Could be, The biggest helium mine  in the world,  is in Amarillo, Texas.
 The one in Amarillo use to be run by a lady named Mrs. Kelly. When the Shah of Iran got ousted a friend told me, "The Ayotolluh of Iran swallowed several hundred tanks of helium that belonged to Mrs. Kelly.I told him , "That must've made him talk like Mickey Mouse". The reason your voice changes when you swallow helium is because  the helium is thinner and lighter than air so your vocal chords resonate at a different pitch.
Unfortunately it won't make you high.
A kid came up to our balloon joint onr day and said, Can I swallow some of that gas?", he asked.
Why would you want  to do that? asked Pico.
I want to talk funny., he replied.
"Talk funny??, said Pico, "Hell, you might start acting funny, you might start wearing a dress".
Although theres nothing poisonous about helium it can displace air. One day a town sucker ran up to the gas tank, stuck the nozzle in his mouth and took a big hit before we could stop him. The tank was new and completely pressurized  and the helium blew the air bfrom his lungs, he fell on the ground and fainted, it took a couple of gasping minutes for him to get his breathe back, when he did I told him, "that'll be two bucks mooch."
Ï just wanted to have some fun he said.
"Well Mr. Asshole, Fun costs money., two bucks""
When you buy helium in the U.S. the tanks are registered in your name and you're the only one who can have them refilled. They have a code number on each tank.
 There was a balloon peddler named Tex working for Garnett at the Dallas Fair and when the Fair ended they fired him and told him not to bother coming back. He had been ringing in his own balloons and he figured that management would get wise because he was using too much helium (their tanks) for the amount of balloons he sold....soooo, he took out one of his own tanks, (which he had purchased because he made a few parades on his own) but he got confused and left his tank with the empties. So when inventory came around Mrs. Kelly told Garnett that he had given them an empty that belonged to Tex. So  they figured out what was going on.
 One of the first of Mays next year asked, "What happened to Tex?"
 "They fired him for stealing helium."said Rod.
The first of May looked puzzled and asked, "How could he steal helium?"
Rod told him, " Öh he would put some  in his pockets every night and take it back to the hotel room with him and put it in coke bottles."